The most common phrase I hear. Self doubt.

Do you have moments wondering “What on earth am I doing?” or observing a serious lack of trust in yourself? If there’s one term I’ve heard in abundance lately it’s “I have self-doubt”. Whether I’m networking, working with clients or chatting with friends it seems we all have moments of self-doubt running parallel with a case of the speed wobbles. Many of us become paralysed by it, leaving us running round in circles.

Self-doubt is defined as a lack of confidence in one’s self and ones abilities. So why is it self-doubt is making such an appearance at a time when we have content galore to help grow our confidence, positive mentoring a phone call away and app’s at our fingertips to solve every problem?

And oh the irony. I have been sitting on completing this blog for a good few weeks. Then it hit me. I had doubt around my abilities and experience to write about this topic. I finally had the realisation that much of this inner chit chat had no substance. So I did some research, delved into what I know from hours of coaching and here’s what I learned.

Self-doubt comes in all shapes and sizes. I’m not sure I’m smart enough to get ahead at work. I’m not good at maintaining friendships. I’ll never be able to reach my goal weight. But what it all boils down to the old chestnut, belief and fear of I’m not good enough. You are good enough of course but right at this minute you are very much not buying that story and instead choosing to not back yourself.

person-on-cliff-meditating

Imposter syndrome is a classic phrase closely linked with self-doubt. I feel like I’m completely winging it and one day everyone will find out I’m a fake. Wow, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that cracker! The ultimate in doubting ourselves at work, not trusting or believing in our abilities. Sure, there are folks out there who are totally winging it but for most of us we have the knowledge, experience and practical know how to be in a role. So why put energy into believing we’ll be caught out? Well, my friends it’s been noted that this doubting business also appears to function exceptionally well as a phenomenal excuse card for not stepping up, pushing harder or going further.

Is there a quick fix for self-doubt? Not exactly as it often stems from stories from our past that we’re holding onto. Whether they be real or imagined, if we’re holding onto resentment, guilt, shame for mistakes of the past they will all lead to self-doubt. Often many people fear they will repeat their own past mistakes or from something a parent has done. And as we know the more we focus on this fears the more likely it is to come to fruition.

In order to overcome self-doubt we need to consistently practice self-forgiveness and self-compassion. As well as doing ourselves a big favour – drop the judgement. How harshly we judge others is a direct reflection of how harshly we are judging ourselves. The same goes for those of us with perfectionist tendencies.

According to a special report Loving You in the spring edition of Wellbeing Australia , if you doubt yourself you are settling for less. To move away from this they suggest we put our attention towards self-empowerment. Acknowledge you create your world and own your choices – no need for external approval or apologies required.  We would also want to focus on self-expression – how open are you with your communication style? Do you let have a creative outlet? How authentic is it?

doubtThe way our minds are wired for survival we will always find a bit of self-doubt popping up but how much power will you give it?

It’s your choice.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

#11 inspiring views, reads & listens for the holidays.

Happy holiday season and if you’re down under hello summer! I’ve pulled together a holiday reading, viewing and listening list for when you’re relaxing poolside, on a lonnnng roadie or needing some inspirational viewing after eating far too much & need to get yourself up off that couch.

powerofhabit#1 Read: The Power Of Habit. My current read. Fascinating. Find out how the habit of brushing our teeth was formed and why fruit and vege are at the start of the supermarket.
#2 Listen: The Wake Up Project- Jono Fisher has several enlightening conversations with high profile Australian men about masculinity on 2015 and what it means to them. Nigel Marsh and Cameron Clyne were two of my favourites.

#3 View: The Skill of Self Confidence by Dr Ivan Joseph a varsity soccer coach who claims repetition, repetition, repetition is one key to building your confidence.

 

 

#girlboss#4 Read: #girlboss by Sophia Amoruso. A gritty millennial version of Lean In according to reviews. Santa is bringing me this one.

 

 

 

#5 Listen: – Ted Talk Radio on disruptive leadership features Sheryl Sandberg & Drew Dudley (the lollipop guy).

#6 View: 8 Ted Talks curated by Bono – there’s bound to be one in here to get you inspired for 2016. Ken Robinson’s talk about school killing creativity is thought provoking.

Bigmagic#7 Read: Inspired after watching her interview with Marie Forleo recently the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert is on my summer reading list to gain insights into not being afraid to explore my creative side – stop worrying about what people think!

 

#8 Video: The fringe benefits of failure by JK Rowling. I can’t believe I haven’t seen this before. Inspiring.

#9 Podcast: The James Altucher Show interviews Mick Ebeling renowned entrepreneur solving big world problems – also check out Mick’s his book “Not impossible the art and joy of doing what couldn’t be done”. When does this guy have time to sleep?

#10 Video: In Oprah’s Harvard Commencement Speech 2013 she quotes one of my favourite sayings “this too shall pass”. Oprah suggests we build a resume about who you want to be and asks what is your story that will get you out of your low state. If you love O, you’ll love this.

the-power-of-intention#11 Read: The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer. Definitely for those very much into personal development literature. I’ll be reading this to expand my horizons around his philosophy of “You don’t attract what you want. You attract what you are”.

 

I’d love to hear what you’re reading, viewing or listening to over the holidays – let me know what has rocked your world this year. Thank you to everyone who made suggestions for my summer list. Happy holidays!

Spring clean your life.

springAfter what seemed like a pretty harsh winter (am I a woos?)  –  Spring has finally sprung and with that a brilliant reason to refine the ‘stuff’ we have been accumulating, hoarding and growing like a wild crop of kale in our garden.

As we de-clutter, it’s also a good time to think about a good clean out for the mind. Marie Kondo (dubbed the Queen of clean) says “Tidying is just a tool., not the final destination. When your room is clean and uncluttered you have no choice but to examine your inner state“.

Think about what’s in your wardrobe. There are the classics which make you look and feel great. Your favourite leather jacket, your go to shoes for ‘heels and earrings’ nights or for men, your favourite white basic tee which makes you feel awesome. However if you’re honest there a few items you’re ‘waiting to fit’, an old flames t-shirt and a pair of jeans which will definitely come back into fashion (do they really ever?) or a top from your Mum that never really worked for you.  Kondo says you must review your wardrobe and ask does this bring me JOY?  If not, it needs to go.

Our mind is a bit like a wardrobe. It stores useful and not so useful items but how often do we edit the data we’re storing in there? Let’s just look at our beliefs as an example.

A belief is simply a feeling of certainty about something.  For many of us our M.O. (modus operandi) is to operate off the basis of beliefs formed about ourselves when we’re kids and we never re-visit them to review how much reality there is actually behind it.

As you Spring clean your wardrobe,  garage or kitchen this month and put back the items that are going to stay, do this too with your mind. What is useful? What needs to be removed and replaced with something to get you moving in the direction you want?

For your spring edit of your wardrobe: Marie Kondo emphasises learning to let go (works on so many levels). Be honest with the “might need  it down the track” pattern. If the favorite but slightly too tight jeans have served their purpose but no longer bring you joy or are relevant to who you are as a person, let someone else benefit from them.

Try this belief detox: Write down your top ten beliefs about yourself. Which ones are working for you? Great, they stay. The ones that aren’t need to go. Depending on how old that belief is you may need to work with someone externally. However for now,  experiment with remembering where the belief came from. Was it something you overheard as a kid at school? Did a parent or elder tell you directly? Go back to that time and look at the situation as an adult now. How much gravitas have you given one comment? Are you holding onto it like your safety blanket? What are you getting from keeping this belief about yourself (you’re getting something otherwise you wouldn’t be holding onto it). Finally your old belief needs to be replaced with a new one and evidence of it. So if you want to fit your favourite jeans, have a belief you’re worth it and set up systems and habits to make it easy for yourself.

 One final edit – social media. We might not feel like we can get away from it but we can choose  how often we engage with social media and what we see. We seem to feel like watching people who are skinnier, more flexible and have more glamorous lives than us will make us feel more awesome. But if you’re waking up every morning to images or rants which aren’t cool for you – detox away. I am officially unsubscribing to any more breakfast bowls & any impossible yoga poses. Yes, some of it can be inspiring but if it’s not making you feel alive, invigorated and happy with yourself, you have a choice. Follow or unfollow.

The Momentum Series kicks off on Monday 12th of October.  A focus will be around de-cluttering your mind as well as becoming clear on your intentions for 2016.

Can you high five yourself?

When the All Blacks win the next rugby world cup  the Kiwis will have no problem celebrating.  When your friend, colleague, child or even pet has a success you have no issue applauding.  But giving ourselves a high five when we make it to a milestone & shouting “Good on me” from the rooftops? It seems to feel a little squeamish.

As The You Project turns one this week and LinkedIn’s constant alerts signal more excitement about the anniversary than me I questioned why is it that I felt so uncomfortable celebrating.  Particularly outwardly. Down-under we like to think we have a ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’  criticising any sign of a self-promoter however Tony Robbins who has worked with millions of people worldwide assures us we are not that special, this is a worldwide phenomenon –  we just have a good name for it.

Most of us were brought up not to brag about achievements and those kids that did were certainly frowned on. But why do we accept someone being proud of their achievement as bad?   Is it possible to re-frame our beliefs around this in order for us to display pride more freely?

elenor

One of the most common barriers to acknowledging success is worrying about what people will think. But as Marie Forleo reminded clients in a recent vlog there are always going to be people who judge you. Key question:  Who are you living your life for? Are you trying to live your whole life not judged by anyone? Because we know that is actually not possible and attempting it is going to be very unfulfilling.  Draw a line in the sand & leave the naysayers who judge where they are – they’re not likely to be crucial to your success anyway.

Setting very high standards and the ‘I’m not enough’ syndrome also hold us back from celebrating success. “Once I have reached 1,000 clients or when I get the promotion then I’ll celebrate”. But this is a moving goal post. If you work like this, there will always be another goal to achieve and you’ll also miss out on the awesome dopamine which comes from acknowledging an awesome outcome.

How to say “good on ya” and reap the rewards:

  • Enjoying your success builds confidence, self-worth and creates a positive energy around you which people find infectious and want to get on board with.
  • Acknowledging your achievement inwardly by meditating, journalling or pondering as you exercise recalling HOW you got to where you are today. The lessons, the wins and the challenges you overcame along the way.
  • It’s not ALL about you.  Celebrate your achievements with those key players who helped you get there & spread the good vibes by asking them what they have done lately they are proud of?
  • Celebrating doesn’t have to be a big night on the ‘turps’ or a $500 day spa package. Come up with a list of small treats, activities or moments.
  • YOU are the key pillar to the success in your life. If you can’t say good job to yourself why should anyone else?

The YOU Project is still very much in its infancy. No bids for takeovers just yet. It’s been an exhilarating roller coaster ride of self-discovery, intensive networking and dealing with an HR manager, marketing and finance departments with different agendas has had it’s moments. However while there is so much still to accomplish I have made it to a year.  Every day I still feel so excited to work with my awesome clients and help move them to more fulfilling places. I get to learn and develop new inspiring content, create workshops and have some awesome projects in the pipeline.  A massive part of my year has also been reaffirming what incredible support I have from my network of mentors, clients, family & friends which has given me so many rewarding opportunities.

So I’m going to toot my horn this week. Toot toot.  I’m proud The YOU Project has turned one. I’m not worried if people judge me for feeling a bit of goodness. That is their choice. I’m walking the walk of what I spend my days encouraging my clients to do – take a moment to go “Yes, actually Bec, good work, keep it up”.

So what latest achievement are you proud of? Your task for this week is ASK 3 people what they are most proud of at the moment then share yours – a little self promo never hurt anyone. I want to hear about it!

2Finally, a massive thank you to all the awesome clients, mentors, family and friends who have been so incredibly supportive to me these past twelve months. I look forward to celebrating with you all soon.

Sign up for some lovin’ this Valentine’s Day.

So, yes yes it’s Valentine’s Day this week. And as the smug happy loved up ones prepare in excitement and the not so in love ones make plans to avoid it, I decided to go on a completely different tangent and make a big deal of SELF LOVE. Before you barf in a bucket or think I’m going on some vain rant please hear me out.

A quick google revealed a few stories around the origins of Valentine’s Day but the most consistent is based on a Roman priest from around the 3rd century who allowed soldiers to be married against the Emperor’s law. He was martyred and later canonized. The first actual  Valentine’s Day card professing one keen punters true love however was not send until around 1840.

Controversially this Saturday I’m proposing we all take a little moment for ourselves –  whether you’re loved up with someone or not – give yourself some self-love time.  Without sounding particularly dodgy or suggesting you buy yourself a new Audi Quattro or Tiffanys earrings let me explain.

Every week I meet many resilient, good looking, smart men and women single and in relationships who often appear very self-confident. However somewhere along the way they have decided that they are not worthy or loveable and look for ‘evidence’ to help prove their point – “No one looked at me at the pub” “I never heard back from that chick, I must be a loser”, “I’m not smart enough to have my own business”   and they build up a big database of ‘facts’ to fall back on when rationalising their situation. And then when someone does say something nice about them it means the absolute world because they are in a habit of looking for external validation to make themselves feel good.

And how do I know all this so well? Yes, from my clients but also that was most certainly me for quite a long period in my twenties and early thirties.

I would cringe when people said ‘you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else’, I would run if people said ‘just start by loving yourself’ and eventually I gave in and just said yeah, of course I do. But like a wise woman or two have told me it is not what you say but it is the action you take that counts.

And when I look back, those actions they were not too great. I loved to go out, have too many vinos and then become ‘entertainment on wheels’ by getting people to laugh at my ridiculous stories of encounters with blokes, a faux pas at work or just a general public embarrassment like walking around the city with my skirt tucked into my undies.  I loved the laughs I received, the validation I felt from making people say “Oh my god Bec, you are hysterical” and the popularity I felt.

speakself

The problem with this was over time these stories were wearing down the Bec love. Every single bad word/story I said about myself my ego heard. Like a good quote I read the other day “Be careful what you say about yourself, you are listening”. And my mind didn’t get to hear it just once. Oh no, I have a large circle of lovely friends across the globe so each story was retold like a stuck record numerous times.  And as we know the survival part of our mind absorbs negative thoughts like Velcro and any positives are like Teflon which allowed the old ego to gather plenty of repetitive evidence over time to say Bec, you are not worthy of your own lovin’. While others were being entertained I was starting to feel like rubbish.

I was also not ‘being’ true to myself about what I really wanted to do in terms of career. I stayed in a ‘safe’ job for years but I knew it wasn’t where my passion lay and I felt disappointed and frustrated with myself that I didn’t have the guts to get on with something I found more fulfilling.  I was also trying to gain the approval of others close to me to ‘do the right thing’. Worrying about getting approval from others is very debilitating.  As I read somewhere once  – the amount of approval you require from others is in direct correlation to how you feel about your own self-worth. The less you have for yourself the more you require from others.

Once I let go of trying to be the entertainment dolly bird and getting approval from everyone (self-acceptance is a big part of this but that’s another blog topic) and focused on what was going to make me truly happy in a career and then actually doing the gutsy out of comfort zone stuff that made me proud, the self-love and respect slowly began to build. Becoming more mindful and present, taking good of my body, staying centered and holding myself to my values and boundaries all contributed. Going a little easier on myself when life wasn’t going to plan, being open to learn from my mistakes and surrounding myself with ultra supportive family and friends were key too. It’s very much still all a work in progress but the self-love odometer is look a lot healthier. Though yes, I still share the odd ridiculous story now and then. You have to be able to laugh at yourself right?

But wait. Isn’t all this self-love getting a bit selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed and self-oriented? Sure, there are some folk who can take it a little far, giving themselves a sense of entitlement and being unable to learn from their failures. However for the majority of us the more self-love you have, the more you encourage others around you to express themselves in a similar light, allowing for healthier relationships and welcoming in people and situations which support you on your life project.  It’s a win-win.

So this Saturday set aside some time for thinking about where your self-love is at. Does it need some tweaking or re-engineering? I know of a few friends who have a good half hour of self-love every morning (!) with exercise, journaling or meditating just to keep them focused and centered especially when they are feeling a bit off balance. As a famous kiwi icon Rachael Hunter said (in a Pantene ad no less) “It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”.

Valday