Saying ‘No’ without the guilts

I must admit it is very 2015 to #justsayyes to anything and work out the details later.  In an age of everyday super heroes where we expect ourselves to multi-task families, jobs, friends, never ending personal admin lists and societal demands we often make the decision not to say no to anything for fear of what others might think – quelle horreur if we get labelled selfish or worse still we suffer from the frequently overused acronym FOMO.

This morning at The You Space (one of my group coaching workshops) we talked about the art of saying no. We all agreed that saying yes to the right things was awesome. You meet new people, have unique experiences you mightn’t normally, learn new techniques and boy, do you feel great when you help someone out who really appreciates your time and effort.

And let’s be honest. Some of us quite like saying yes to everything. We feel needed and valuable and sometimes we love the story that we are so busy helping others we don’t have time for ourselves. This story is great except when you’re skipping meals, your health goals,  family time and rushing round at work like a crazy person attempting to squeeze it all in. Can I cheekily suggest if this is you it’s worth considering what you are getting from your ‘I’m so busy’ story. Or perhaps there’s a part of you which likes being ‘worried’ about helping others, preoccupying yourself with their problems so you don’t have to think about your own? It’s quite a nice distraction isn’t it?

As cool and lovely as saying yes is, for those of us looking for balance and prioritising our own needs we need to learn to say no. And with conviction.  If we don’t, we end up draining ourselves of all our energy on tasks we don’t want to do and have nothing left in the tank for things we do want.  Today at The You Space one client revealed by saying yes too often before you know it you are ‘reliable yes mum, sister, mate, school helper, local volunteer team of one’. Not an ideal position to be in unless you want to be known as the Yes Lady/ Lad baking 20 cakes for the school fete or managing 5 junior soccer teams.

Saying No thanks starts with a mindset change. It starts with putting your needs first. Eeek. I know. How dare I say it! But if you take a look at your big picture, how is saying yes to so many activities, appointments, play dates, overtime for a colleague working out for you? You’re going to have to get a little (or a lot more) PRO YOU.41129-1_n

 

You’ll notice when you are able to put your needs first and become focused on your key goals, purpose, values and have conviction about where you are heading saying no will be a heck of a lot easier. Steve Jobs said “Focus is about saying no” Here’s some ideas for how to say no.

  • Say no straight away if you know you’re not going to do it. Don’t procrastinate.
  • If you can’t help out at an event politely decline but send through a helpful tip/ article.
  • I love this option for an email reply “Wow, great opportunity thanks for thinking of including my brains in the mix. I’m fully committed next week but I’d love to hear how it goes”.
  • No explanation required? No. Just means no. You’re already committed elsewhere and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. If detail is required explain you’re already fully booked and it would be letting the others down as well as yourself whom you’ve already fully committed to.

Check  out this four part formula for saying no (If you’ve ever had a review process in the office this may seem remarkably familiar).

  1. Start with a compliment
  2. Give your answer
  3. Say thank you.
  4. Encourage the person.

For the ‘bully’ who keeps asking. Re-iterate how you keep promises to yourself/ family and expect the same of them. We make promises to others so why can’t we keep the ones we make to ourselves?

For the ‘on second thoughts I want to pull the pin’ dilemma – be polite, firm and honest. Admit on reflection you have over-committed without thinking through the consequences, you aren’t able to give 100% and if you have them make suggestions for alternatives. Remember everyone makes hasty decisions now and again. No one is going to hold you to ransom for stepping out of a commitment. We’re only human and unless you’re volunteering for Red Cross you’re not saving lives. There will be someone else where this opportunity is exactly what they needed.

But what about the guilt? Guilt is an interesting one. We are the ones who have decided to feel guilty about not doing something. No one has forced us to feel guilty – no one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel.  When you see the bigger picture of your overall focus whereby your time and energy is being poured into a greater purpose the guilt won’t ring in your little ears quite so loudly.

So when you next want to say no – just do it ! And if you’re diary is fully stacked with extra commitments which aren’t serving you and you’re feeling massively overwhelmed and under-excited about your calendar I think you know what you need to do next.

Little Miss Perfect

I remember a time when I thought it was cool to ‘confess’ I had a perfectionist streak. Like I was some perfect ballerina princess in her pink twinkly castle who would only be satisfied when something was 100% as I wanted it and everyone would approve and clap and go YAAAY.perfectp

Now with clients I can often hear myself saying things like perfectionism is the height of insanity, being perfect is just another form of procrastination and perfectionists have no standards. Ouch.

My  ‘tendency’ tends to rear its head towards things I value. There is no perfectionism issues when it comes to cleaning my car (quick drive when it’s raining does the trick doesn’t it?) or ironing my clothes (love cheap dry cleaners) however recently when it came to finding the perfect couch it took me two years! I am not kidding. And guess what, it’s not perfect! Obviously this goes much further than material things – relationships, careers and health are all affected by perfectionism.

So. Newsflash. At the end of the day aiming to get something completely 100% perfect is just not possible. Don’t get me wrong, I love creating a stretch target or two but when the goal has an ever increasing ‘perfect-o-meter’ you’re setting yourself up for failure. And quite often on purpose. Scary.

Falling victim to perfectionism can also mean you wait for exactly the right time, for all the ducks to be lined up in a row before you make your move. But the damn  ducks will never line up quite right and time will pass and you have missed an opportunity that may never come around again.

Reality check. Sorry it’s brutal.  When acting in a perfectionist mode you are demonstrating your need to be in control of everything. This usually comes from a fear of not being good enough, not belonging and not being loved.

So here’s some questions to ask yourself – some based on work by Dr Phil (yes another fave).

  • Who are you trying to control? Often people who are trying to control external chaos are in actual fact attempting to control their own chaos.
  • What is driving your need for perfectionism? What are you afraid of if you don’t control everything? Are you worried about what people will think about you if you don’t keep up this perfect façade?
  • Consider how it feels to be around you when you are in perfect pants mode. If you have children they may feel like they will never be good enough and consequently you are passing on your perfectionist tendencies to them. Ever had a perfectionist boss? No matter what you do, it is never quite enough.
  • What are you getting from being a perfectionist? Do you get to excuse yourself from committing to something you’re passionate about for fear of not getting it ‘right’?
  •  How much energy are you using in attempting to control your world? It’s exhausting right. At some point you need to trust your universe enough to say I am comfortable to let this go and let it be as it will be.
  • Be rational. What happens if you let go of controlling others?  Nothing. Because deep down you know it’s not possible to control the world. You are not Dr. Evil from Austin Powers people!

The best way to give up your perfectionist streak is through acknowledging what fear you are feeding and then you make a choice. Have no fear of perfection - you'llYou can either try to control everything and everyone (good luck!) or focus on what YOU really want. Rather than consuming energy with controlling,  focus on all the good qualities within you. Your desire to live life to the full, to learn and grow, focusing on appreciation, your courage, love, tenacity or  determination to succeed.  Give yourself the permission to let go of your perfectionism – as cool as it sounded when you were 14 and I’ll think you’ll find it a lot more rewarding.

Can we make this Christmas a chillmas?

I always have a wee chuckle to myself with any annual event but this one is a classic… We know it’s coming. It’s not like..oh my god Christmas is when? Are you kidding! Nope we knew alllll year but yet you can feel the stress levels rising in the air as mild panic starts rippling across the streets.

Copy of MERRY CHRISTMAS

I’m also heavily focused on it because annoyingly for my younger brother I was born on Christmas Day.  If you don’t know me too well you will be lucky enough to escape the Becmas extravaganza and I’m not shy to admit I do love a good jingle bell rock! However as excited as I get about it, I realise not everyone shares my enthusiasm. And beyond my excitement I also peak out often, without warning and get squawky without real necessity.

The stress begins for many as we see the decorations going up in Westfield (hello 1 Nov!), hear Mariah belting out “All I want for Christmas” at Kmart with which you end up panic buying some barbells & a new flashing Rudolph for the front door & then Coles sticks a Heston ‘Hidden Orange’ chrissy pud on the end of every blimmen aisle so the pre chrissy diet is looking slipperier by the second.

As  one attempts to cross off the mother of to do lists of cards, pressies, tress, lights, groceries, hols packing, appointments and coffee catch ups galore which simply MUST BE done before the big day you seem to wind yourself into an unnecessary spin – I remember two Christmases in a row I had a couple of oopsies ‘nudging’ into the back of some Nana cars because I was so busy planning how I could  take on the world before the big day.

And down under – it’s hot. So you’re usually sweating up a storm, retreating to air con shops (smart on their part) and feeling a little bitter to those ‘o so organised ones’ parked up under their brollies at the beach. Hmph.

It also coincides well with monster hangovers. End of year parties where there are a few loose cabooses at the office send off and you pray as you wake up the next day reaching for your coconut water, it wasn’t you. Feeling dusty certainly does not add to the enjoyment of trawling about Target searching for the latest ‘Frozen’ accessory.

And then the day approaches and the catastrophizing train starts to build momentum about what may unfold. Will everyone get on? Will you have to be involved in back yard cricket?  Will you have the same conversations you’ve had twelve years running with your long lost uncle and his 5/6th new partner? Will you overeat so much that you enter a food coma and then miss the little cousins pantomime (unlikely to be  as choice as the one you used to do anyway).

So how can we take it from a stressmas to a chillmas? This year I have taken my overly honed organisational skills down a notch. I’m saying no to catch ups pre xmas if it’s going to get me in a flap. Some people couldn’t make my extremely early birthday celebrations (because squeezing into the diary of a Sydney lady is near imposs). That’s cool. I’ll see them next year. It’s not different from seeing them in November instead of October is it?

This all may sound a little selfish. And hey, isn’t Christmas all about selflessness and giving? Well, being in good spirits and enjoying yourself is selfless in my book. No one wants to hang out with a cray cray, tired, crabby pants!  This is your time to reflect over the year that has been and celebrate with your family – whether it be your blood relies, your urban family or your newly acquired mates you have forced yourself upon on your random overseas mission.

There’s a great article on being an approval whore by Martha Beck where she suggests ‘holiday season’ is where our need for approval is at an all time high…“your efforts to please become truly exhausting and other people’s appreciation is less and less rewarding. If you feel drained or angry as the season progresses, it’s time to get off the street. Learn to respect yourself. Give yourself the gift of the real you, clean and sober”.   Lets face it, you’re a much nicer person when you’re doing stuff you actually want to do, as opposed to forced. I get it. Some stuff you just have to do. But before you commit maybe take a moment to reflect & ask yourself – can it wait? Will I be better placed to do it next year with a refreshed frame of mind.

I’m not denying it, a huge element to a great chillmas is  solid (but not hysterically anal) planning but it’s also considering saying no to your third espresso martini at the work office do after midnight, taking time out for meditation or exercise (no it is not illegal to exercise on Christmas Day), buying Christmas Mince pies unless you think you’re the next Masterchef and when you do one nice thing for someone, do one nice thing for yourself. You can also grant yourself a long nana nap, let annoying relie comments brush off you like teflon and spend a little time every day practicing some good old gratitude.

Christmas doesn’t have to be stressmas. It’s our choice what we say yes or no to and whether we choose to spend time catastrophising about what will or won’t happen.  Enjoy the build up and the excitement –  remember those feelings you had when you were a kid? Search those out! After all, Christmas only comes once a year.

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